So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
