My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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