I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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