fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
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