Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
