Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
OPIZZABONMYDICK
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
