Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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