i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
