So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
