So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
