He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
