i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
