evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
