theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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