You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
