I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
