A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
