I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
