I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
