Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize