Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
