birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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