the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
and i looked up. we had an audience...
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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