This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
