This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
