I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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