just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
