even my farts smell like vagina
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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