I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
