Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
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