shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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