Your dad touched me again.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
