at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Randomize
