i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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