I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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