Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
