I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
