I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
