How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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