I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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