Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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