I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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