How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
