Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
