I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Randomize
