got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
