I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
