rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
