I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
