had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
