So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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