I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
