So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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