had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
