If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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