Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
