I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
