I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
