I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize