I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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